My husband betrayed me. How to deal with resentment? Life is not fair? Twilight fog in the swamps of grievances

What happens to us when we feel resentment? To put it bluntly, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and live our lives in vain. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.

How they live ordinary people? They suffer, they love, they rejoice, they are sad. Are experiencing different human feelings, characteristic of them from birth.

But not all of these feelings are constructive. For example, there is one among them that greatly spoils life - both for the “feeling” people themselves and for their loved ones. It can be classified as a kind of inability. This is the inability to forgive insults.

Where does this feeling come from? Sometimes it seems that from the moment a person is born. Because from my early childhood he endures not bright happy pictures, but moments of suffering that stretch for eternity.

For example, one is already adult girl Instead of joyful moments of childhood, she remembers how she once suffered because her mother was late for kindergarten and picked her up later than the others. Perhaps some other children at this moment would have feared that he was abandoned. Instead, she had a resentment that she couldn’t get rid of until adulthood.

Another girl could suffer when her beloved teacher sat her pretty pupil Katenka on her lap and exclaimed how beautiful and well-behaved she was. Other children ran nearby, not noticing either the teacher or Katenka. And that touchy girl was offended. And I also remembered this petty offense all my life.

Forgiving an offense is difficult even in adulthood, let alone in childhood. And there can be a lot of such moments in the life of every person suffering from grievances. They hurt so much that you remember almost all of them in the smallest detail.

Or maybe you know how not to react to insults? And you never get offended by people? Well, lucky guy, then welcome to the mind of an offended person: I will show you what happens in his sense of self at the moment of offense.

A person who is accustomed to being offended does not necessarily cherish his grievances or remember them on purpose - on the contrary, he wants to forget with all his might. And he strives to find out how to learn to forgive an insult so as not to be tormented by empty memories. But this emotion, devouring from within, is stronger than all desires. She doesn’t ask whether you want to experience her or not - she just covers you with a wave, and you can’t resist it. Something begins to pulsate in my head, logical thinking turns off, and inside, like a giant cancerous tumor, the feeling grows that I was not appreciated, disliked, not noticed, not heard. All this causes almost physical pain.

In addition, at the moment of offense, a person can feel how the world around him seems to begin to change: shrink where he is, and convexly expand where THEY (the offenders) are.

What does he feel at this moment? It seems to him that with their words or actions they trampled him, flattening his sense of self to a micropoint. And they inflated themselves to exorbitant proportions. Yes, they... they asserted themselves at his expense, that’s what!

The offenders say: “Stop being offended! Why are you like a little child?”, “Don’t know how to forgive insults? Just take it and stop sulking.”

Oh, if it were so simple - just turn off this “feature”, then everyone would have done it a long time ago. "But I can not! - the offended man cries in despair. “I can’t forgive the offense and stop its occurrence, and that’s all!”

And it is true. After all, it interferes with living, loving, working, and finally developing. Having settled in his soul, she turns him into a touchy “slow”, who for days on end can only think about this insult, chewing in his thoughts the smallest sensations on the topic “how it was” and “what will I do with them for this”, thereby throwing more and more wood on the fire of resentment. Then how could this time be spent usefully?

Apparently, the time has come to look for answers in the science of human behavior and its causes. Psychology must know how to forgive an offense. Otherwise, what else is it needed for?

HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEVANCE: WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS ADVISE

Traditional psychology equates resentment with negative emotions. Which need to be fought. There are several ways to do this (if you don’t take dubious methods in the form of hypnosis, meditation, and the like): satisfying emotions, restraining, switching, and, finally, chemicals.

How to forgive an offense by satisfying emotions? If we consider resentment as a reaction to unfair treatment, then the satisfaction should be the restoration of this very justice. But how to restore it? If in anger you want to hit, and a punching bag is suitable for this purpose, then nothing will come of it with offense: you won’t be able to come up and kick another girl off the lap of your favorite teacher in order to sit on them yourself. In addition, our grievances are not always adequate: it may only seem to us that they wanted to offend us, but then, after mature reflection, we understand what we imagined.

How to deal with resentment through containment? Swallow something that is so difficult to swallow. Pouting “in a rag.” Huddle on the sidelines.

It has long been known that holding back emotions does not lead to anything good. In the case of resentment, this is especially true: swallowing resentment after resentment, we accumulate within ourselves something that is not utilized, but grows, expands and multiplies. And one day it certainly breaks through with a powerful verbal eruption: when the offender has already forgotten to think about what he once said, a stream of reproaches falls on him, because of which the relationship deteriorates more than if it had been clarified at the first misunderstanding.

Switching. How to let go of resentment using this method? From the outside it may seem that switching is really a good way to forget a grudge: you get carried away by an interesting thing, occupy your mind with something else - and that’s it, the grudge is gone. But no. This method only works with those who do not know real grievances, do not know this difficult feeling that does not go away at the snap of a finger. I described above what it is, do you understand, yes, that switching won’t work here?

Chemicals. How to survive an insult with the help of tranquilizers? Tranquilizers inhibit the processes of perception of negative emotions. However, they do not work to get rid of the offense: the emotion weakens, but the thought that “I was offended” remains. It remains as a statement of fact. When the “chemistry” stops working, the resentment is restored and secretly seeks a reason to manifest itself.

Isn't it too much to try to turn off the natural human emotion using chemicals? We, those who are touchy, are not mutants, so that we should try to “amputate” an unnecessary feeling.

By the way, is it really not necessary? There is nothing superfluous in nature. And if we experience this feeling, does that mean we need it? How to figure this out?

I won’t torment you any longer: all the answers to these questions are given by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It also allows anyone to learn how to overcome resentment, even the most old one.

EFFECTIVELY WORKING WITH RESULTS

Remember when I talked about the subjective feeling of resentment? About the fact that the world, at the moment of inflicting cruel spiritual wounds, seems to be distorted, trying to mentally destroy? It’s amazing, but everything is true: resentment arises only among those people for whom more important and balanced concepts than justice, honesty, and straightforwardness do not exist.

The balance in space is disturbed for them if, in their opinion (and it is always significant for them), injustice has been shown to them. They didn’t appreciate it the way others did, they didn’t say what others wanted (and they deserved it!!!), they didn’t give what they gave others. Or they said something so nasty that they didn’t say to others... In general, they upset the balance and caused a serious offense, which will be very difficult to overcome.

Why and why are these people so touchy? Nature has endowed them with a special type of thinking, thanks to which they can process huge layers of information, sorting it according to different criteria even in the process of mastering it. A tendency towards systematization, strict order, impartiality, equality - these are the categories of thinking of anal people that they carry into life.

Touchiness is a consequence of such thinking, a “side effect”, a reaction to situations in which balance is disturbed.

So, you ask, are all representatives of the anal vector doomed to unsuccessfully struggle with resentment all their lives? And there is no remedy or way to get rid of this scourge, because of which families collapse, a good relationship, is your career going downhill?

In fact, this state is natural, but liberation from resentment must happen in childhood, when the child “outgrows” it, simply unlearning to be offended. What does it mean?

Ideally, the picture is like this. A child with an anal vector is very dependent on his mother; he expects manifestations of love and praise from her. A sensitive mother sees this and understands, so she praises the child for his work and supports him in his endeavors, instilling self-confidence in the child. Touchiness does not bother the baby if his anal vector develops in accordance with his needs, if he learns to give without expecting anything in return, and not to take for granted. Having become, he no longer suffers from bouts of resentment, which is essentially a manifestation of selfishness, lack of development and fulfillment in the family and society.

However, very few people have an ideal childhood, and in the end we all suffer from our grievances in one way or another. Unloved, offended by parents and fate.

Who is stopping us from removing the grudge in adulthood? Developing and realizing in the same way as the child in the example? Yes, time is lost, the years of character development are gone, but for adults everything is real. The only thing that hinders us is the lack of knowledge of exactly how to do this.

Why can't we let go of the grudge in peace and move on? Because they are endowed with a very good memory, as well as the property-desire to often turn to the past. These are necessary qualities for full implementation in society, but they also play with us cruel joke: we remember in detail the smallest offense and love to spend a long time replaying in our heads the details of long-ago days.

So, I remember very well how my childhood skin-visual friends “offended” me by distributing roles in a children’s game and giving me some role, in my opinion, inconspicuous and insignificant - compared to theirs. And you may remember something else that is no less important to you.

What happens to us when we feel resentment? To put it bluntly, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop developing and... Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.

Here is a man, potentially a professional in his field and a wonderful husband, becomes a loser without a family and children; instead of an interesting interlocutor, he turns into a gloomy beech, driven in this life only by the idea of ​​vengeance, and maybe by someone even worse... This serious condition obscures everything, pushing it forward foreground the opposition “I’m right” and “they’re wrong.”

HOW TO GET RID OF RESULTS ONCE AND FOR ALL?

So how can an adult overcome resentment? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan teaches us to understand our mental characteristics, to see the reasons for our own resentment, to recognize in it not only resentment as such, but also whole bouquet other conditions.

This understanding allows you to deal with your past, your “hooks” and “anchors” that prevent you from enjoying life and breathing. full breasts. The resentment for everyone who has undergone training is not just an annoying hereditary trait, not a weakness or unique property character. Resentment is a transformation into a pillar of salt, stupor, inhibition, NOT life without development and the joy of being.

Immersing yourself in the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, you understand what to do with your husband, child, boss or close friend: take away your right to be offended. And turn to your past not for a retrograde search for another grievance, but for your own realization.

How to forget past grievances and look to a bright future, rather than remembering the dark past? Start with awareness of the mental characteristics - not only of your own, but also of others. For what? At a minimum, so that, realizing why other people are used to “offending” you, you look differently at situations in which you were previously offended.

The deeper you dive into this knowledge, the less offended you become and the more you understand how to let go of feelings of resentment. Instead of a state that sets you back in development, you find your unique realization, establish relationships with your family, and see your purpose in life. What could be more important than this?

Resentment is something that haunts every person almost every day. All people are constantly offended by someone or offend someone. However, everyone is already so accustomed to considering offense as something everyday that they do not notice the damage it causes to each of the participants. It can have serious consequences in the future, so you should think about how to deal with the resentment. After all, it depends on you how strongly this or that incident will affect your psyche. And if you just can’t overcome the feelings gnawing at you on your own, this article will offer you several ways to deal with resentment. Explore them, choose the ones that suit you best, try them separately or in combinations. After all, it is very important to learn how to cope with resentment. Pretty quickly you will realize that your life is much better without her.

Resentment: how to deal with it

So, in this article you will learn how to deal with resentment. However, to do this, you need to understand what it is and why it manifests itself. Resentment is the feeling a person experiences when someone has said or done something unpleasant to him. However, it has differences from anger and other manifestations of negative emotions. Most often it is hidden, that is, a person feels that he is unpleasant, but does not tell about it to the person who offended him. This is precisely why problems arise. The fact is that grievances tend to accumulate, and also have an even more dangerous property - to grow. If someone has offended you, then it is best to resolve the situation as soon as possible, because the more the offense “ripens” inside you, the worse it will be for you. The person who gave you this unpleasant feeling may not even know about it. But at the same time, you have already gone through hundreds of situations in your head and inflated your resentment to unprecedented proportions. Although it could all start with any little thing.

The whole point is that resentment is a manifestation inner child inside each person. You may be twenty-five or fifty years old, but deep down you still have a part of your childish ego. And because of this, an irrational reaction to a person’s statement or action occurs. Resentment lies inside a person and does not come out. And this can cause serious damage to your mental health. If you accumulate grievances and do not learn to cope with them, this can seriously affect your condition. This is why you need to learn how to deal with resentment. And this article will help you with this.

Talk

The first thing you need to understand if you want to know how to deal with feelings of resentment is that the person who hurt you is not a mind reader. Often he has no way of knowing that you didn't like what he said or did. Therefore, first of all, you need to try to suppress your childish ego at least a little in order to make room for rational thinking. How can a person feel guilty if he does not know that he is being blamed? Naturally, he will not come to you because he has no idea that he should do this. Therefore, you should definitely talk to this person. Tell him that you were offended by a specific remark or behavior of his. In most cases this works flawlessly. The person who offended you, if you approach him calmly and not with direct accusations, will also look at the situation from a rational point of view and understand what exactly he did wrong. This the simplest way how to cope with resentment towards a person. However, there are other methods that some may find more convenient or effective. They can also be used when the first method did not work.

Forgiveness

Many women wonder how to cope with resentment towards a man. After all, if you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the first method does not always work - you know each other too well for one of you to remain in the dark about the fact that he offended his partner. This method, which will be described now, is not only suitable for this case - you can use it in any situation in life. Its essence lies in the simplest forgiveness. When you are offended by a person, you mainly harm only yourself, so you should learn to forgive offenses without the participation of the other party. Instead of holding a grudge inside, forgive the person who offended you. Naturally, if he continues to do this further, then other actions will have to be taken, but if this is an isolated case, forgiveness may become the best option. So, if you are wondering how to cope, you should definitely try to simply forgive him, since you must not forget that he is the closest person in the world to you.

Lesson

If you're wondering how to deal with resentment and anger, then you most likely haven't tried to look a little deeper inside yourself. Often, even something positive can be learned from an insult. If you have been wronged, you can ease your suffering by engaging in self-reflection. Think about what caused these strong feelings. Most likely, the person offended you for something that is very relevant to you - what is it? Think about it and try to draw conclusions from it. As you can see, you can take something positive out of any situation that can help you in your future life.

Understanding

When you think about how to deal with bad mood, irritation, resentment, you most often think only about yourself. This is a completely normal trait for a person, but sometimes it is worth looking a little further than your own self. Almost always, an insult is perceived as a personal insult, and rare people immediately begin to think logically and assume that the problem may not be about them at all. Sometimes someone may offend you by accident because something happened in their family or some important plans for them fell through. And you just fell under the hot hand. Therefore, you should not harbor a grudge, because in a few hours a person may already return to normal and forget about how he told you something, and you will still be offended by him. Try to understand the people around you, as often you will find yourself in their shoes and you will most likely want to be understood, and not immediately judged harshly.

Analysis

This paragraph is a kind of combination of some of the previous ones, since it will ask you to analyze the situation. If you want to learn how to deal with resentment and negative emotions, you need to think clearly and not give in to the manifestations of intense feelings. Analyze the situation: if you were offended stranger, whom you will most likely never meet again, then you should not think about this offense at all. Forget about it and never remember it so that it does not interfere with your life. If the offense was caused by someone close and this is not the first time, then you will have to use other measures. Just remember that in this situation, your main weapon is a calm conversation, and not harsh accusations.

Expectations

It often happens that resentment arises because a person simply did not live up to your expectations. You implied that he would act in a certain way, since you are friends, colleagues, relatives, etc., but he acted completely differently, and for this you are offended by him. If you soberly look at this situation from the outside, you will understand that it is stupid and irrational. It has already been written above that no one is able to read your thoughts, so you should either make them public or not demand that a person do something that he does not consider necessary. If you think that your friend should have helped you in a particular situation, tell him about it, or just forget and don’t expect him to do something that he didn’t and doesn’t intend to do.

NLP

There is such a technique as neurolinguistic programming, abbreviated as NLP. With its help, the most difficult problems are often solved complex problems that arise in people, and it also allows you to cope with grievances. One of the most bright examples- this is burning a sheet of grievances. You need to write down on a piece of paper all the insults that a person has caused you, throw out all your emotions on paper, and then burn this sheet, imagining how they burn in the fire. It looks quite strange, but in reality it turns out to be an extremely effective method. You program yourself for your own happiness, and listing grievances and burning a leaf is just a symbol that allows you to convince yourself as simply as possible that you are the master of your own happiness.

Another option

IN Lately NLP is becoming increasingly popular, so this article will present another method that relates to this technique. You need to write on paper the name of your offender and what exactly he did to you. After this, you need to write that you are for him. Repeat this several dozen times a day until your resentment goes away due to the fact that you program yourself for forgiveness by constant repetition of the action. Naturally, this approach should only be used if you are unable to forgive a person without any outside help.

Letting off steam

Well, another option that will allow you to forget the insult and cheer yourself up is to let off steam. If you have it good, if not, take a pillow or something similar. Well, then everyone understands what needs to be done: imagine that this is your offender, and let off steam on him. Naturally, this approach is recommended for use with strangers or not the closest people, such as, for example, a boss, and not a mother or husband.

Just remembering a situation that happened to a man, which now lies like a heavy burden of resentment on the soul, makes you feel bad. And the harder you try to forget, the more emotions overwhelm you. Feeling resentful towards a man does not allow you to live normally. He has been an ex for a long time, the relationship ended a long time ago... But the resentment towards the man remains with you.

Why do thoughts about the past gnaw so caustically, holding tightly with their tentacles. They are strangling. A lump in the throat, which appears periodically, treacherously takes away the air, and with it the strength.

Today, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately answers the question about the nature of grievances in any of their manifestations.

Why there is resentment against a man is understandable. But you can figure out how to get rid of it in this article. We will not describe the stages of the formation of resentment, this will not give anything. It arises both suddenly and accumulating inside us.

Psychology of resentment towards a man

Resentment is just that: resentment. More precisely, a feeling of resentment and injustice towards you. Anything can happen: betrayed, left alone pregnant, stole a large amount money, beat, verbally humiliated. If there is a grudge, there is already a reason to sort it out.

The notorious “forgive and let go” flows like a river from the lips of psychologists, from articles about resentment, from girlfriends, mothers, and friends. They suggest “learning to forgive.” If it were so easy to forgive and let go, no one would have problems associated with resentment. Nobody would be offended by anyone. Everyone would live happily. Alas.

Sometimes they scare us with inevitable psychosomatics and ineffective treatment with pills. Of course, there is a connection with health, but I still want to prevent problems in the future and understand how to cope.

There are tips to make fun of a man, to present your ex-man in an indecent manner. "Apply" a sense of humor to him. Every offended person, most likely, tried to do this. Positive results doubtful.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment towards a man

The answer is simple and easy to understand. See for yourself.

There are eight vectors, eight mental properties of a person. Each has its own characteristics. Firstly, understanding and recognizing these characteristic properties, we treat the “offenders” themselves differently. Because we begin to understand that a person, be it a man or a woman, in a given situation behaved in accordance with his inherent properties. I couldn’t do otherwise. The irritation goes away. Touchiness ceases to influence our lives and its manifestations are greatly reduced.

Secondly, if we have an anal vector, it means we have a strong memory and are specially focused on the past. We do not like lies and injustice; we are honest by nature.

Feelings of resentment and guilt are unique to us. Any distortion in the area of ​​“truth-deception” is a knife in our hearts. And until justice comes, we will continue to walk around with resentment and wish harm to the offender. Revenge is the most simple form leveling the situation, it is born unconsciously in response to a dishonest act.

And that is not all.

There is a visual vector. The sensitive area is the eyes. They are able to distinguish many shades of color, see and feel more subtly, sensitively and comprehensively. “Any mole will be made into an elephant” - this is what they say about people with a visual vector. The offense is small, but it is seen as the tragedy of a lifetime. Otherwise they cannot see.

What to do? How to deal with the monster that interferes with life.

It’s easy to imagine what a person with anal and visual vectors looks like. Resentments multiplied a hundredfold due to the ability to see problems larger in scale than they actually are.
Moreover, you once had a close, trusting relationship with a man, there was even love. Emotional attachment, remaining in memory, mixed with resentment, does not let you go.

When forced to interact with your ex, it is important to avoid attempts to manipulate feelings of guilt and resentment on your part. And don’t let a man do this to you. It won't lead to anything good.

Feeling only constant annoyance and, perhaps, anger at all men, we are unconsciously afraid of history repeating itself and find all sorts of tricks to avoid the emergence of new relationships. Not on purpose. Simply - fearing a repetition of the pain. And so the resentment presses, and then there is also the fear of repetition of suffering and regret.

Resentment towards a man will not allow you to calmly create new ones. harmonious relationships. You may not even notice how constant resentment towards the man you broke up with will extend to relationships with the opposite sex.

How to overcome resentment? The psychology is this: start correctly using the properties given by nature in life. Correct - that means for the intended purpose. This will give relief from negative state because there will be no need to keep the past in your head.

We often hear that you need to start with yourself. That's right. Only specific and effective recommendations Few people give. There is only one step left to knowing yourself. Get acquainted with the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It will give you a full understanding of yourself and others.

Many women have tried life without offense and now feel great. We understand our people former men, and the resentment dissolved. Here's what they say:

“...At the time of the first free lecture, I was “nursing” with a severe resentment towards a man, from time to time it simply overwhelmed me, and the state was terrible, but after the first lecture the resentment went away, the “incomprehensible” actions and words of the man became clear, what motivates him, and even after Yuri’s story, on the very first day I realized that my resentment, as they say, “isn’t worth a damn” in the eyes of that man, because of whom I was... so upset, worried so much... What? So funny! In general, I laughed at myself for a long time, almost the entire first lecture - until the morning!
Next came the second one. Which sealed my achievement. This is such a relief!..”

“...For training on System-vector psychology I was brought by unhappy love and terrible emotional dependence on one person. And also depression and a feeling of hopelessness, resentment towards parents and one’s unfortunate lot….
...I got rid of mine love addiction, I realized that that man was not urethral, ​​as I first identified him from the articles, but skin-visual-sound. And that love is fear brought out, and it ends when there is no visual connection with the object of love. And indeed, everything passed. Moreover, I no longer suffered from the fear that I had missed my true destiny, my chance in life. In fact, there are a lot of such chances walking around the planet, it’s enough to choose the right one)))) ... "

The betrayal of a loved one pulls the rug out from under your feet. Some women can forgive betrayal, some hold the grudge for years, which cannot but affect the atmosphere in the family.

It's easier to forget about it if the relationship doesn't last very long - the guy simply becomes a thing of the past. How to cope with your husband’s betrayal if you already have children for many years life together?

After all, the entire universe collapses when another woman interferes in life. The answer to this question is very difficult.

Find reasons to live together If you have not been connected by anything other than joint housekeeping for a long time, maybe you shouldn’t continue the relationship further. Are you afraid of divorce and loneliness? This is no worse than living next to a stranger who also shares a bed with another. You can find a new man at any age if you don’t sit still. If you are madly in love with your husband, and he sincerely repents of his action, try to start all over again.

Of course, the wound that is in your heart will never heal, but if you are both serious about changing your lives, you should succeed.

Not every woman is able to survive her husband’s infidelity without outside help. It’s unlikely that you were taught to overcome such situations at school. When faced with betrayal, you become defenseless. Contact a family psychologist. He will help you find a method that suits you. Sometimes it’s enough to talk it out to dull the pain of betrayal.

Write a letter

If you can’t get to a psychologist, write yourself a letter. Put in it everything that worries you so much. Don't worry, no one will ever read it. But having laid everything out as best you can, you will build a plan for yourself on how to proceed. There is no need to share all your most intimate things with your friend. She, as an interested person, is unlikely to be able to give adequate advice.

Talk to your husband

It is very harmful to keep a grudge inside. This is a problem for both of you, so you should not deal with your husband’s betrayal alone. Maybe you need to hear from him that you are the only one, and there will be no one else in his life. That that woman is in the past, and you are better than her in everything. How quickly you can both forget this tragedy will depend on how sincere his words are.

Establish trust

After a heart-to-heart talk with your husband, maintain this practice. Many family problems can be prevented if spouses share expectations. First of all, find out what he was missing since he went left. You must build a relationship together, making every effort to do so. Then no one will have the treacherous thought of biting off the forbidden fruit of adultery.

Question to a psychologist

I am 22 years old, I work as an additional teacher. education of children. I met my future husband at the age of 16, he was 17 then, he is my first man, my first and only love. Now we have been together for 6 years, been married for a year, we married for love, as it seemed to me, although it was always not from him enough, It all started after the wedding, at some point he became very distant from me, disappeared somewhere, I felt like an unnecessary abandoned kitten who was faithfully waiting at home, naturally I broke down, there were hysterics, I desperately tried to draw his attention to myself, he I needed him, I was very afraid of losing him. I became pregnant, it was happiness, I don’t know for him, although the child was planned, I wanted his attention even more. I considered myself a good wife, everything was always prepared, cleaned, ironed, there was tenderness and love in me with excess, and he often pushed me away, then I began to find correspondence with different girls, I was packing my things and wanted to leave, he always stopped me, promised that he wouldn’t do it again, I believed, because this was just correspondence, but everything was repeated. And already at the 8th month I found a phone correspondence where it was written in black and white that he was cheating on me, the world had broken down, I didn’t want to live, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, and he took my things (not all) and went to live to my parents, he wrote to me that it was my fault, I drove him crazy with my hysterics, I was all terrible, he put up with me for a long time and his love had long passed. For me it was a new shock, I still hoped that he would at least apologize. Only a few days later he began to write that he was sorry, that he wanted to save his family, that he needed me, etc. I accepted him, of course he became attentive, we at least began to communicate, hugs, kisses, says that he loves. A daughter was born, he dotes on her, says that he realized what a fool he was, that he doesn’t need anyone anymore, doesn’t disappear anywhere, home is work, work is home, begs him not to leave him, behaves exactly as I always dreamed of, but here Only in my soul everything is broken and broken. For me, this is something more than betrayal, 4.5 months have already passed, and I can’t forgive him, I think about divorce all the time, I can’t believe him, since he promised more than once that he wouldn’t do it again, and he kept me pregnant torment. I can’t overcome this resentment on my own, I can’t forgive him, forget everything, it still hurts me too much. Sometimes it seems like there’s no love left for him after everything, maybe then you shouldn’t try to forgive him, just leave, but we have a daughter, she is only 2 months old, do I have the right to deprive her of her father? And can a person change, walk around, humiliate, betray, and at some point can he sincerely regret what he did for a long time and more than once for more than six months?
Thank you

Answers from psychologists

Marina, hello.

Perhaps my words will not please you, but there is not a word about love in your letter. Perhaps you never had it. It clearly and clearly describes the addictive, painful relationships that you yourself create. Now my words may make you angry because you don’t believe it. But I know from experience that this is so and I recommend that you consult a psychologist.

What I noticed from your words: “...I felt like an unwanted abandoned kitten who was faithfully waiting at home, naturally I lost my temper, I had hysterics, I desperately tried to draw his attention to me “I needed him, I was very afraid of losing him.”

Marina, believe me, this is a disease, or, if you like, a psychological pathology, unfortunately overly cultivated in our society. Some people call this disease love. This is the deepest delusion that gives rise to neurosis in society.

You write: " I still hoped that he would at least apologize." is one of the clearest markers of addiction.

The resulting situation: “...home work-work home, begs him not to leave, behaves exactly as I always dreamed, but in my soul everything is broken and broken” - the result that you received is logical outcome of this pathology.

In your words: “For me, this is something more than betrayal, 4.5 months have already passed, and I I can not forgive him, I think about divorce all the time, I can not believe him, since he promised more than once that he would not do it again, and he continued to torment me while I was pregnant. I can not overcome this resentment on your own, I can not take him and forgive him, forget everything, it still hurts me too much." try wherever it says " I can not" change to " Don't want".

People often know what they don't want, but find it difficult to understand what they do want. This behavior is characteristic of a person who is immature or in a neurotic split. We need qualified outside help - this is working with a psychologist. Otherwise, such a pathology will penetrate further and further into your life, destroy your family and cripple your child’s psyche.

An attempt to shift responsibility for your life, happiness, health, well-being and family to 2 people one month old baby: “Sometimes it seems that after everything there is no love left for him, maybe then you shouldn’t try to forgive him, just leave, but we have a daughter, she’s only 2 months old, do I have the right to deprive her of her father?” - will lead you, at best, to nowhere, in other circumstances to the clinic of neuroses. Your relationship with your husband is your relationship, and there is no need to drag the baby into it. You have already repeatedly tried to manipulate your pregnancy, now you are using the child. This is how parents hurt their children instead of just being parents.

I understand that in your condition this is not visible or realized. I do not blame you, since the pathology arose in you much earlier, long before you met your husband. Take care of yourself, admit that something is wrong with you and take the course psychological counseling or psychotherapy. Otherwise, the situation will only get worse.

I wish you from pure heart clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with oneself and mutual understanding with loved ones.

Contact me for Skype counseling if you can hear me.

Good afternoon, Marina! It’s important to figure out why this is happening? Often we react to people’s actions without suspecting what need is hidden behind it, why suddenly our loved ones and family are doing this. Let us, in your case, “suspect” your husband that his behavior is not accidental, that by doing so he wanted to show you something, to change something in the relationship. Just now? You write that he became distant after the wedding. What happened after the wedding? And what might his distance hint at? After marriage there is a loss of freedom. It's like you don't belong to yourself anymore. If there really is fear along with the freedom of losing oneself, the fear of “dissolving” in a partner, then all sorts of “stupid” ways arise to somehow declare it or run away. Which is what your husband does. Indeed, your colleague is right in the previous answer that you have a desire to be too close to each other (“either very close or not at all” is your slogan, hence your current state of resentment or weakness). The point is that your husband “told” you in precisely this, I repeat, “stupid” way that there should be “distance” between you, the opportunity to be close without losing yourself, your individuality. How can this be achieved? It is important to see that there is another person next to you, different from you, with his own advantages and disadvantages. You also need to look at yourself - how you differ from your husband, how you perhaps complement him. What you like and don't like. The fact is, Marina, that your relationship began too early, and you may not understand why, why you chose each other, what the value of each of you is in the relationship. It's time to deal with this. If you need additional advice, call me on Skype, I will be happy to help. All the best!

Sincerely

Kostinskaya Galia, family psychologist Israel