How to improve your emotional intelligence. Using emotional intelligence in practice. Understanding your own emotions

The amount of emotional intelligence, abbreviated EQ in the specialized literature, determines how much a person understands, is aware of them, can recreate, manage them, and therefore apply them to solve assigned problems. A person with well-developed emotional intelligence can significantly reduce the impact of negative emotions on their life. Developing emotional intelligence promotes recognition negative impacts from the outside, a calm understanding of the situation and a normal, balanced reaction to it. A person who is emotionally developed lets go of negative emotions and does not experience them again and again, thereby destroying his psyche in particular and life in general.

You can understand in more detail what benefits the development of emotional intelligence provides using the diagram below:

If you want to find it easily mutual language even with unfamiliar people, to be friendly and open, and therefore pleasant to communicate with, if your goal is to achieve maximum success in any endeavor, then you simply need to work on developing your own EI.

How to develop emotional intelligence

1. Recognize emotions and identify critical moments.

Lose control over your own behavior, explode because of someone’s words, lose calm out of nowhere? Oh, how familiar this is! Everyone has certain point boiling caused by a situation leading to loss of self-control - the so-called emotional trigger. People who know how to recognize them, and therefore accept them, can stop in time and not succumb to destructive emotions.

How to learn such control? Analyze your emotions, record them on paper, highlight your own emotional triggers.

2. Repeat over and over again mentally those situations that lead to emotional breakdowns.

Constantly replaying this or that situation in your head helps you find the right decision and not react as violently as could happen in real life. When considering an event that could lead to an emotional breakdown, come up with a different course of action than your usual one. This exercise will allow you to correctly accept the emotional trigger. This means that you will get a chance to act differently when a real explosive situation occurs.

3.Exercise your brain.

Anyone can control their consciousness and... As soon as you feel anger creeping in, switch to something else, for example, solving complex math problems. Agree, it’s hard to get angry and nervous when you’re multiplying three-digit numbers in your head!

Whether you solve the problem correctly or not is irrelevant. The main thing is that you tried, used your brain to the fullest and did not let your emotions overcome you.

4. Escape from reality into memories.

If in difficult times it is difficult for you to concentrate, then use another technique: abstract from what is happening and immerse yourself in pleasant memories. Surely there is something in your life that brings a smile to your face. It could be a favorite song or a book you recently read. Remember them, quote your favorite lines to yourself. Such thoughts will help you avoid an emotional breakdown, as they will switch your brain to another situation.

The main thing is not to perceive this technique as a cowardly escape from reality. This is done for your benefit.

5. Before you send angry letter addressee, re-read what you wrote.

This way, you will take a time-out for at least a few minutes, once again relive what you experienced while writing, and be able to rethink your overflowing emotions. You take a break - and it's wonderful. You have a chance to change your mind and fix everything. If after reading this you still want to send a letter, ask a friend or loved one read it. Listen to outside advice and think twice about whether it’s worth offending the recipient. Learn to keep your emotions in check!

Research confirms that everyone thinks differently. A rather neutral message can actually cause aggression on the part of the recipient. To understand how the addressee will react to your letter, remember the character of the person to whom you are writing. Adjust the message so as not to offend your recipient.

6. Avoid immediate answers.

Modern life sometimes requires us to make lightning-fast decisions. But often you can not force things and take a minute to think. Do they require a clear answer from you? Avoid having to answer right away. Say that you will return to this conversation and take a break to think. This will allow you to understand what is really important and not let your emotions prevail over your reason.

7.Respect your interlocutor in any situation.

Remember that in any situation you need to remain well-mannered, educated person, express your thoughts clearly and clearly, avoiding profanity. This will characterize you as a serious, respectable person with whom it is pleasant to do business. Emotions may rage in your soul, but you shouldn’t show them. To curb them, it is better to think about your vocabulary in advance and highlight those words that it is better not to say out loud.

Once you decide to be calm and composed in any situation, you will take a big step towards controlling your emotions and developing emotional intelligence.

All of us, one way or another, have come across people who, right away, at first glance, feel and understand other people well. Prerequisites this behavior are the properties of temperament, hereditary inclinations of emotional sensitivity

All of us, one way or another, have come across people who, right away, at first glance, feel and understand other people well. The prerequisites for this behavior are the properties of temperament, hereditary inclinations of emotional sensitivity, good development right hemisphere and features of information processing. It is believed that emotional intellect is more developed among extroverts, but in any case, the prerequisites for high emotional intelligence are laid in the family. This is facilitated a good relationship parents among themselves, harmonious upbringing of the child, instilling self-control skills, sound assessment and avoidance of overprotection.

Thus, in order to develop a child’s emotional intelligence, parents should avoid extremes in their relationships with him. If parents are so immersed in caring for the child that they are ready to read his thoughts and unspoken wishes and instantly fulfill them, the child does not need to strive to establish emotional contact, and the mechanisms that allow this to be done are not formed or developed.

The child in the family is already five years old, but he does not speak. No matter how many doctors they took me to, they all said that everything was fine and that he should talk. The family sits at the table in despair and watches the child eat. He ate the porridge, took the tea, took a sip: “Why tea without sugar?” Everyone jumped up: “Hurray, he spoke!!! Why were you silent before? And the child responded: “Everything was fine before...”

If a child, potentially capable of establishing emotional contact, is deprived of the opportunity to establish it due to the indifference or hostility of loved ones, then he may subsequently have problems expressing emotions and relationships with others, since he is accustomed to adapting and defending himself.

The boy grew up in a family where they did not talk to each other. Joint meals took place virtually in silence, and then everyone went about their business: dad sat down to watch the TV, mom was busy with the housework, and the baby played, left to his own devices. After graduating from school, in which he found himself as lonely as in his family, the boy entered a university. By the end of the first year, he became the talk of the town among teachers. humanities- in history and philosophy it was necessary to speak, discuss, but the young man did not make contact, did not know how to do this. He was lucky - the teachers were extremely caring. They tried to stir him up as best they could, understanding the situation. In addition, he turned out to be potentially capable of communication. The efforts were not in vain, the grains fell on fertile soil, and by the end of the institute he was simply unrecognizable: approachable easily and naturally, always smiling, the young man was strikingly different from the withdrawn and gloomy boy who crossed the threshold of the institute several years before.

As can be seen from the above example, emotional intelligence can and should be developed. D. Goleman and other researchers this phenomenon They believe that this is accessible to anyone.

One of interesting moments associated with the prerequisites of emotional intelligence is androgyny - the presence in a person of psychological traits characteristic of opposite sex. People with well-developed androgyny, as opposed to people with masculine and feminine characteristics, have greater emotional flexibility: depending on the situation, they can be either pliable and caring, or free and strong. According to researchers, androgyny provides a combination of the best typical masculine and feminine qualities in a representative of either gender.

One way to develop emotional intelligence is acting training allowing:

Detect and remove muscle clamps, fettering the freedom of the body;

Introduce a person to his own body, teach him how to control it;

Learn to focus on non-verbal means communication and master them as necessary tool acting expressiveness.

Complete the suggested exercises and analyze your well-being.

Acting training for the development of emotional intelligence.

1. The same word can be pronounced with different intonations; train your intonation capabilities. Choose a word and say it: loudly - quietly; briefly – extended; stuttering - affirmative; surprised, enthusiastic, thoughtful, defiant, mournful, tender, ironic, angry, in the tone of a responsible employee, disappointed, triumphant.

2. Read any text, for example, the fairy tale “Kolobok” with maximum volume; with machine gun speed; in a whisper; at a snail's pace; as if you were terribly cold; as if you have a hot potato in your mouth; as if an alien had read it; robot; five year old girl; as if all of humanity is listening to you, and with this text you must explain to them how important it is for people to strive to do good to each other, but you have no other words; as if with this text you are declaring your love, and there is no other way to explain it.

Record this on a tape recorder. Listen, note what surprises you and repeat again.

3. Walk like a baby who has just started walking; very old man; lioness in a cage and at large; ballet dancer; gorilla; Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; he is a patient with severe radiculitis; amoeba; Prussian army soldier; Romeo is impatiently waiting for a date. You can come up with different options, the main thing is to get involved in the process and enjoy the improvisations.

4. Let's play with facial expressions - smile: like Lady Macbeth, like a baby - mother, mother - baby, dog - owner, cat in the sun; frown - like a child whose toy has been taken away; offended person; King Lear...Facial expressions are the movement of facial muscles, reflecting the internal emotional state of a person. Everyone needs to master facial expressions.

5. Sing as he sings...

All these exercises allow you to relax, be different, test yourself and find yourself. What I mean is that if your inner essence- Dragonfly, no matter how much you try to put on the image of the Twisty Fly, you won’t get a hybrid, but you can borrow some qualities.

We have repeatedly talked in previous articles about the need to keep a diary while working on yourself. When working with the development of emotional intelligence, it is also necessary to record the changes that occur.

To develop emotional intelligence, an adult needs feedback from people around him: loved ones, management and colleagues. It often happens that our ideas about ourselves do not coincide with the assessments of the people around us. We consider ourselves smart, educated, strong-willed people who have achieved certain successes, but at the same time, our superiors underestimate our abilities, passing us over with promotions over and over again, and our colleagues look at us as if we were nothing. The “Johari Window” management model allows us to answer the question of why this is happening and whether the situation can be changed. But before we talk about that, do the following exercise.

Write to paper a number of personality characteristics: cheerful, mature, attentive, courageous, proud, friendly, trusting, caring, dependent, thoughtful, shy, sensible, knowledgeable, idealistic, inventive, introverted, seeking, loving, dreamy, wise, reliable, assertive, intense, independent, nervous, cautious, witty, courageous, sympathetic, helping, understanding, adaptable, joyful, relaxed, rational, modest, weak, complex, collected, sympathetic, calm, spontaneous, talented, quiet, confident, intelligent, tenacious, brave, sensitive, extroverted, energetic

Describe yourself with the adjectives from the list, and then invite your friends and colleagues to do the same.

1. In the upper left (Arena) we write those words that are in both our own list and the public one.
2. In the lower left (Facade) are words that are only in their own list.
3. In the top right (Blind Spot) are words that are only in the public list.
4. In the lower right (Unknown) are words that are not in any list.

How many definitions are included in Blind Spot? The more, the more you will need to work on developing your emotional intelligence.

Let's look at each of the zones:

- “Arena” is an open area in which there is information about a person, known both to himself and to others;

- “Facade” is a hidden area where there is information about a person, known to him, but for one reason or another hidden from others;

- “Blind spot” - information about a person is collected here, known to others, but unknown to him (the opinion of others);

- “Unknown” - this zone speaks for itself, this includes information that is unknown to either the person or his environment, and it appears only in extreme cases.

To increase your emotional contacts with people around you, you need to maximize the open zone by moving information from the hidden and “blind” zones. It moves into the open zone the moment we open up to people. For example, you have been studying for many years Italian language, which none of my colleagues know about. At some point, it turns out that the manager received an invitation to an exhibition in Italy and hastily flew there, taking with him the first translator he found, and if colleagues knew about your language proficiency, then, most likely, you would have flown with the manager.

As a rule, people believe that it is necessary to hide negative information about themselves, but a person with high emotional intelligence accepts himself with all his shortcomings and does not worry about the fact that they are known to others, because he understands: there are no people without shortcomings, and his the positives outweigh the negatives.

Information from the “blind” zone becomes open the moment we request and receive feedback from surrounding people, or it comes without a request, in the process of communication.

Answer yourself the following questions:

How do you determine other people's reactions to your behavior?

What would be your reaction if another person behaved unexpectedly or strangely in response to your behavior?

How tolerant are you to criticism?

By answering your questions candidly, you can identify what you need to work on so you can use the feedback for self-reflection.

Feedback can and should be asked only from neutral people who are not emotionally involved in the relationship with you. Loving people they will try to soften, embellish the impressions, and those who wish can punish you - they will hit you hard, which can cause you serious psychological trauma. Don't forget: feedback provides information on how to the world perceives you rather than who you really are. Feedback is a gift of fate. Regardless of whether it is positive or not, it is something to be grateful for because it provides serious food for thought and self-improvement. published

Among other aspects related to the formation of social and emotional intelligence, we highlight ability to refuse requests and delegate tasks, and the ability to not focus on problems and try to perceive failure as feedback, space for improvement and new opportunities.

For example, remember often that you you can't change the past, which means, instead of thinking over and over again about what should be done in a given situation, think about what to do now and how you can improve the future. Also remember that, in principle, you do not owe anything to anyone, which means you are not obliged to agree with everyone, even if this causes some inconvenience to someone. How paradoxical it may sound, but the ability to refuse is also a skill, and it can be learned. After a couple of rejections, you will realize that the world doesn't turn upside down when you say, “No, I can't.” If you feel guilty or remorseful, remember that after some time will pass and this. Thus, after several “exercises” you will understand that it is normal to refuse.

As we said, a person with a developed EQ is characterized by empathy, but such individuals are more likely manipulate themselves, which allows them to be manipulated. The main thing is that they accurately identify manipulators and decide for themselves whether to succumb to their tricks or not. If you feel like someone is trying to manipulate you, use an old but effective technique: imagine this person with a trash can on his head. This will change your attitude towards your interlocutor, and therefore your reaction to his words and requests. This technique is useful in other situations.

5. Emotions

Another direction - working on your own emotions. To learn how to control them, it is important to know what exactly you control. Observe yourself - what events cause what feelings; which emotions prevent you from concentrating and which ones make you more productive; which ones are easy to manage and which ones are not.
Don't be angry at your reactions, don't deny them, don't suppress them, don't judge yourself and, most importantly, don't lie to yourself: If you do all of the above, you will not be able to control them. You feel what you feel, but all feelings have a reason. It is important to understand it - and then you will be able to correct your emotions.

And finally one more helpful advice. Increasing and developing social and emotional intelligence, it is very important to remain who you are, and don't try to become someone else. The goal of increasing the level of EQ and SQ is self-improvement, that is, improving oneself, and not trying to put on someone else’s mask and walk around in it.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand your own emotions and use them to improve your quality of life. Managing your own feelings allows you to regulate stress levels and promotes fruitful communication with other people, and this is what improves the quality of life in the personal and professional sphere. Unlike IQ, which does not change throughout life, EQ can be developed and improved. Read on to learn how to develop emotional intelligence using the techniques at hand.

Steps

Understanding your own emotions

Throughout the day, observe your own emotional reaction to various events. The easiest way is to push into the background your own feelings and experiences experienced during the day. But understanding your own feelings about a particular situation has great importance to improve EQ. By ignoring your own feelings, you ignore important information, influencing your way of thinking and behavior. Start paying attention to your own feelings and connecting them to your experiences.

• For example, let's imagine that you are at work and you are interrupted during a meeting. What emotions will you experience if this happens? Conversely, how does being praised for a job well done make you feel? If you get used to being aware of your own emotions, such as sadness, embarrassment, joy, satisfaction, and others, you can increase your level of emotional intelligence.
• Make a habit of being aware of your own emotions at certain points throughout the day. What emotions do you experience when you wake up in the morning? What feelings come over you before bed?

1. Pay attention to body signals. Stop ignoring physical manifestations of emotions, start listening to them. Our mind and body are interconnected; they have a profound effect on each other. You can improve your emotional intelligence by learning to recognize the physical factors that influence your emotions. For example:

   • When under the influence of stress, we feel a heaviness in our stomach and tightness in our chest, and our breathing quickens.
   • When we are sad, there is a heaviness in the eyelids.
   • Fun and joy are felt as lightness in the stomach, increased heart rate and energy.

2. Analyze the relationship between emotions and behavior. How do you react when you experience strong feelings? Synchronize your body's reactions with different situations that happen every day, rather than reacting to them without unnecessary emotions. The better you understand what influences your behavioral response, the higher your level of emotional intelligence will be, and you will be able to use your knowledge in practice to change your own behavior patterns in the future. Here are some examples of behaviors and their meaning:

   • Feelings of shame and insecurity make you stop talking.
   • The feeling of anger makes you raise your voice and walk away irritably.
   • Feeling overtired makes you panic and lose control of your actions or cry.

3. Try not to judge your own emotions. All emotions have the right to exist, even negative ones. If you judge your own emotions, you will lose the ability to fully feel, which will prevent you from experiencing positive emotions. Think about it this way: every emotion is a part useful information connected with everything that happens in your life. Without this information you will feel inferior own life and will not be able to adequately respond to the events occurring in it. It is the ability to experience emotions that shapes our intelligence.

   • At first it is difficult, but you need to try to show negative emotions as a reaction to everything that happens. For example, if you are very jealous of someone, what does this emotion indicate in a particular situation?
   • But don't forget about positive emotions. Start associating joy or satisfaction with events happening around you, and you will learn to experience these emotions more often.

4. Pay attention to specific emotions in your life. This is another way to learn as much as possible about own feelings and their relationship with your life experience. When experiencing strong feelings, ask yourself when you have felt this way in last time. What happened before, during and after?

   • By learning to recognize behavior patterns, you will learn to control your behavior. Observe how you acted in a given situation before, and how you would like to act next time.
   • Keep a diary of your emotional reactions and your own feelings day after day, and you will understand exactly how you react to what is happening.

5. Practice choosing suitable model behavior. It is impossible to control your emotions, but you can completely control your reaction to emotions. If you constantly get angry or scream when you are hurt, think about how you can respond differently. Instead of letting your emotions get the better of you, decide what you will do the next time you feel overwhelmed.

   • When something bad happens in your life, let your emotions out. Some people describe it as a feeling of sadness or anger. Once the first rush passes, decide for yourself what to do next. You should express your feelings, not keep them inside. You must get back on your feet and try to cope with the problem again, rather than meekly admitting defeat.
   • Don't resort to loser measures. All of us find it difficult to express negative emotions, and many people begin to drink heavily, watch TV all day long, or acquire other habits in order to somehow drown out the pain. This will only harm your emotional intelligence, especially if you resort to such measures too often.

   Communication with other people

   1. Be open and accommodating. Openness and agreeableness go hand in hand when it comes to emotional intelligence. A lack of openness is a sign of low emotional intelligence. When your mind is open to understanding the essence of the conflict and internal introspection, it will be easier for you to cope with the situation, especially if you are calm and confident in your abilities. You will realize that you have become more open to others, and you will have new opportunities. To achieve success in this aspect of emotional intelligence, try the following:

      • Listen to intellectual debates on TV or radio. Always consider both sides of a conflict and pay attention to nuances that require detailed consideration.
      • When a person's emotional reaction does not meet your expectations, ask yourself why this is happening and try to see the situation from the other person's point of view.

   2. Develop empathy. Empathy is understanding the feelings and experiences of another person and the ability to share their emotions. By listening carefully to other people and paying attention to what others say, you can better understand their feelings. The ability to use this information to explain your decisions and build relationships with others is a sign of emotional intelligence.

      • To learn empathy, put yourself in someone else's shoes. Think about how you would feel in his situation. Imagine what it is like for this person in this situation and how you can help him cope with difficulties through care and support.
      • If you see someone getting emotional, ask yourself, “How would I react in a similar situation?”
      • Be sincerely interested in the opinions of other people, so you will learn to respond correctly to their words. Instead of mentally flying in the clouds, ask questions and summarize what was said, then it will be clear that the conversation is interesting to you.

   3. Learn to read other people's gestures. Try to read between the lines and learn to recognize other people's true feelings by observing their facial expressions or gestures. Often people say one thing, but their faces say something completely different. Try to be more observant and pay attention to less obvious ways other people express emotions.

   4. Observe your own impact on other people. When it comes to emotional intelligence, understanding other people's emotions is not so bad; you also need to understand the impact you have on other people. Do people get nervous, laugh, or get angry in your presence? How do people behave in conversation when you enter the room?

      • Think about what you need to change. If you often make a scene with your partner or your girlfriend can easily cry while talking to you, or maybe people move closer to each other when you appear, this means that you need to change the way you treat people, then people will change their attitude to you.
      • Ask trusted friends or loved ones what they think about your emotional impact. It will be difficult for you to understand your own impact, and people close to you will help you with this.

   5. Practice expressing your emotions sincerely. If you say “okay” with a frown on your face, you will be insincere in your communication. Practice being open with your emotions, then it will be easier for people to read the emotions on your face. If you're upset, tell people, but don't forget to share your joy or happiness with them as well.

      • Being “yourself” will help other people get to know you as a person, and they will trust you more once they understand who you are.
      • But you need to remember that there are certain limits, so control your emotions so as not to hurt other people

   Using emotional intelligence in practice

   1. Determine what you need to fix in yourself. Having high intelligence is very important in every person's life, but emotional intelligence also plays an important role. High emotional intelligence helps you build relationships with people and makes it possible to find Good work. Emotional intelligence consists of four main elements that will help you live a more fulfilling life. The following is a list of components of emotional intelligence that will help you identify what you need to improve in yourself. After that, start developing the necessary skills in the right direction:

      • Self-awareness. This is the ability to accept your own emotions as they are, and understand the background against which they arose. Self-awareness means understanding your strengths and shortcomings.
      • Self management. This is the ability to not expect rewards, to relate your needs to the needs of others, to take initiative and to be willing to give up your ideas. Self-management means the ability to accept change and remain true to your principles.
      • Social awareness. This is the ability to empathize with other people and share their emotions, as well as to notice and adapt to social cues. Being socially aware means being aware of the power dynamics in a group or organization.
      • Relationship management. This is the ability to find a common language with other people, to get out of things with dignity. conflict situation, inspire and influence other people, and clearly argue your position.

   2. Try to reduce your stress levels by increasing your emotional intelligence. Stress covers a variety of feelings, which is why when you are stressed, you feel overwhelmed with a variety of emotions. Life is full difficult situations, ranging from a breakup to job loss. Meanwhile, there are a lot of factors that provoke stress, which create even more seemingly insoluble problems. Often experiencing stress, it is very difficult to behave the way we want. But good methods Dealing with stress will help you improve your emotional intelligence in every way.

      • Identify what causes you stress and what helps you cope with it. Make a list effective ways stress relievers, such as relaxing with friends or walking in the woods, and try to use them regularly.
      • If necessary, consult a specialist. If you find it difficult to cope with stress on your own, see a therapist or psychologist who can tell you how to do this (and also help you increase your emotional intelligence).
   3. • A negative attitude causes people to focus on failures instead of building resilience to them.
      • People with high emotional intelligence usually know how to use humor and cheerfulness to make other people happy. Laughter helps you get through tough times.
   • Don't despair and don't forget that emotional intelligence can be improved, no matter how low it is. This will require effort and a willingness to open up to the world and give up your old way of life.
   • If you have high level emotional intelligence, you will be suitable for a job that requires constant communication with people and involves building relationships with others.
   • Emotional intelligence doesn't just control your feelings. He controls you.
   • Some aspects need to be analyzed in more detail than others.

   Warnings

   • High IQ does not mean high emotional intelligence.
   • Openness to new ideas does not mean elevating concepts like blind allegiance, persecution, or genocide above healthier concepts. This means understanding why someone else is so afraid of a certain category of people that they feel the need to oppress them.